Author Archives: Joseph Hagen

Review by Joseph Hagen

John Carter, based on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ 11-volume Barsoom series is proof that great source material does not make a great movie. Riddled with plot holes, a terrible script, horrendous acting, spongy special effects, embarrassing 3D, generic music and pedestrian directing, John Carter is a mess of a film.

“A fish out of water” theme meshed with “learning to love again,” John Carter is 132 minutes of capture, escape, capture, escape, jump 30 times, capture, escape. Entire scenes of this film seem to be throw in so that the advertisers could have an “action packed” movie trailer… Meanwhile, the screenplay leaves characters feeling flat, with laughable dialogue and little motivation for the actions they are taking.

Carter, played by Taylor Kitsch, “jumps” from a monotone Southern accent, to a monotone John Wayne impression into a monotone James Franco after sucking on a bong. Kitsch seems to try to channel great action stars of the past, but does not have the presence, acting chops or charisma to pull it off effectively.

Dejah Thoris, played by actress Lynn Collins, is the princess of a Mars-town called Helium. Written to be the smart, strong, inventive and beautiful, Collins pulls off only the later. To be fair, a terrible screenplay positions her as an educated scientist one minute, a Mortal Combat style butt-kicker the next, and doe-eyed schoolgirl love interest the next with zero transition or motivation in between. I must have missed the part where they explained her split personality disorder… I also found it distracting that she was the only character that spoke with an accent on her planet.

Actor Mark Strong as Matai Shang, leader of the Therns, was a bright spot in the film. Mysterious and interesting, he is the character I found myself rooting for that the camera would dump John Carter and follow him around instead. One of the few actors in this film with REAL charisma, Strong seems to rise above the silliness happening around him and delivers an interesting and “deep” bad-guy character.

One other thing — I always find it funny that in a land where they have giant flying ships, hover bikes, guns, lasers and magic, but people still fight hand-to-hand with metal swords. Honestly, if this was a good idea don’t you think the U.S. Army would be placing billion dollar sword orders for our soldiers? I LOVE swords, but you need to add in some kind of plot device to explain it (George Lucas goes to great lengths in Star Wars to explain WHY the Jedi use lightsabers).

A disappointing mess, John Carter is proof that in some cases even a strong conceptual starting point is not enough to make a good movie. The three pillars of good movie making are wholly missing, being replaced with a terrible screenplay, bad acting and sloppy directing.

A Movie Review By Joseph Hagen

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo catapults out of the best sellers rack at your local bookstore and into theaters this week. This is your film if you like any of the following: Short bangs, body piercings, motorcycles, and of course, ample amounts of tattoos. Although the film is incredibly dark, grisly and often disturbing, those familiar with the book will likely approve of this film version. Those who are not familiar with the book … good luck figuring what the heck is happening onscreen.

While there are plenty of things wrong with Tattoo, a big strength of the film is the performances of Daniel Craig as journalist Mikael Blomkvist and Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander. Their chemistry is a big reason to see this film. Both bring depth, charisma and balance to a screenplay that takes a long time to develop.

Many times during the film I felt that I needed a CliffsNotes study guide to figure out who was who, how they were related, whether the old guy that was talking and the young guy being shown in a flashback were the same guy, how people were related and whose back story went with who… By the time the WOW moment happens, I felt so confused that I did not even understand why it was a WOW moment.

With that said, I would guess that hardcore fans of the book will understand the complex relationships of the characters and enjoy this American version.

Memorable quote:
“I like working with you.” - Lisbeth Salander

A Movie Review By Joseph Hagen

Moneyball follows the true story of underdog Billy Beane, the General Manager of the 2002 Oakland Athletics, as he battles the evil juggernaut of baseball financial overlords (New York Yankees) to change the face to professional baseball forever.

Filled with heart, Moneyball is more than just a good baseball film … it’s really just an overall GOOD film. With a fantastic script by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin, great casting, strong character development, solid acting, beautiful cinematography and perfect pacing make Moneyball a wonderfully constructed film.

The part of Beane, a good-looking former ballplayer, was tailor made for Brad Pitt. His natural charisma meshes perfectly with the material. Not a usual fan of Pitt’s work, I was taken with this performance and can think of no other role in which he is more likable, funny and interesting.

Jonah Hill brings restraint to his usual shtick through his performance as the green assistant manager Peter Brand. Hill is charming, fun and acts as a much needed foil to Pitt.

Most baseball films, despite their best efforts, portray baseball as a cheesy, dramatic and overly sentimental game. Fortunately, Moneyball does not fall into this well. The film takes it’s time and gives enough depth to its characters that by the time the sporting climax happens, you genuinely care and root for the characters. No cheese. No slow-motion blur. No rock music build-up… it’s just straight-up good storytelling.

It is evident that the actors in this film playing ballplayers have actually picked up a bat and ball at some point in their lives. This is Moneyball’s other strength. There are no awkward Brendan Fraser/Matt LeBlanc swings here. One scene shows longtime All-Star David Justice, played by Stephen Bishop, hitting in a batting cage. Bishop’s swing is smooth and convincing, something typically not taken into consideration when casting a baseball film.

Moneyball is a really fun movie to watch. Heavy on the baseball references, it nonetheless has enough heart to keep both fans and non-fans entertained from beginning to end with the timeless theme of David vs. Goliath. Tons of heart and a top of the line script make Moneyball one of the best films I have seen this year.

Memorable quote:
“It’s hard not to be romantic about Baseball.” - Billy Beane

A Movie Review By Joseph Hagen

With kick-ass action, a great cast and a functional plot, Cowboys & Aliens is a wonderfully fun summer popcorn flick that delivers what its silly title suggests — a good time. Jon Favreau returns to the director’s chair, Daniel Craig stars as the mnemonically challenged tough guy Jake Lonergran and Harrison Ford jumps in as the soft-hearted/bad guy (?) Woodrow Dolarhyde.

Craig’s typical tough-guy character is perfectly suited for this film. While there is no ground breaking performance here, he is slick enough to make laser-shooting dude-bracelets look awesome… Parents beware, your children will surely steal toilet paper rolls and aim them at you.

Ford delivers an Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull-ish kind of old wise guy performance. A smart decision by Favearu was placing Ford on horseback for a majority of the action sequences, making him seem young again and sparing us from the patently awkward Harrison Ford run.

Flowing hair.

The super-beautiful, ridiculously-hot, angel-eyed Olivia Wilde plays Ella Swanson, a mysterious cowgirl on a mission to help Jake realize his true potential. Being dealt something less than Academy Award material to work with, Wilde takes the role in stride and delivers a tough, smart and sensitive female lead. She is quickly becoming one of my favorite leading ladies… Plus, she’s cute.

Cowboys & Aliens delivers a wonderfully admirable summer film that, when allowed to be taken for what it is, is a really cheesy-fun viewing experience in the movie house.

Memorable quote:
“Give me your hand.” - Jake Lonergan